Many people shy away from bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism (BDSM), but it’s actually more popular and more sex positive than you might expect, or than the name might suggest. Often, people fear the kink because of preconceived notions based on movies or TV shows, but there’s a lot more to learn about BDSM before it can be judged.
Welcoming all types of sexual orientation, BDSM is a diverse spectrum. For some, the experience may be solely sensual, others may prefer to play dominant and submissive roles in different situations, and still others may enjoy the sensation of pain or inflicting pain from a very slight to a stronger degree.
The most important thing to note about BDSM is that consent and communication are extremely important to the welfare and enjoyment of all people involved. Setting the proper boundaries before play and creating safe words and gestures are vital to the experience.
Emotions can run high in relationships, especially if those relationships are sexual. This is even truer for BDSM as a more intense sexual and emotional experience, so it’s important to have the proper after-care. After-care can be anything including cuddling with your partner(s) or some mutual alone time, and depends on each individual and their personal emotional needs.
Communication is extremely important both during play and in after-care because if you don’t voice what you need, your partner may not know and the experience becomes less pleasurable. The BDSM experience could be the best you’ve ever had, but without communication and the proper after-care, it could easily turn into a bad memory and a bad relationship with a partner.
In BDSM culture, a “top,” also called “dom,” is someone who takes a dominant role in “play,” which can be anything from acting out a scene with no sexual contact to what the couple chooses to do during sex. A “bottom,” or “sub,” is the submissive partner, and is usually the one experiencing sensation. There are some people who identify as “switch,” which means they feel comfortable taking on either role.
Often, play is sexual, but it doesn’t have to be. Some people enjoy dominant and submissive roles in non-sexual social situations. For asexual people, sex is not the focus of play in the BDSM world, but rather it’s about the other sensations and emotional feelings.
Navigating BDSM with a history of trauma can be tricky but the most important thing to remember is communication and acceptance. It’s important to be patient, and if a partner gets frustrated with your needs, that’s a sign for both parties to rethink their relationship. If something gets too intense, play can stop at any time and everybody involved always has the right to say “no,” even to something previously agreed upon.
The Seattle Center for Sex Positive Culture (CSPC) is a great place to start learning about BDSM and ways to spice up your sex life. The nonprofit center seeks to educate and facilitate safe and open sexual expression, consent, and dialogue through a variety of fun and informative events.
According to CSPC’s website: “In a sex positive world, everyone has the freedom and resources to pursue a fulfilling and empowering sex life.”