Fat Tuesday – the day before lent and the last opportunity to gouge, merry-make, and be gluttonous before the religious and ceremonial-laced fast.
Here’s what you should know in regards to Mardi Gras sex.
EXPECTATIONS VS REALITY
People expect a wild party with copious amounts of booze, boobs, and free sex (probably because of the booze and lowered inhibitions). The biggest (or not biggest) surprise is … excessive drinking will be your worse enemy during this festival.
First and foremost, too much hooch impairs your ability to consent to sex. It also screws your ability to make good choices (whatever they may be) when it comes to STD/STI protection (pun intended) and flashing your body parts in front of the cameras.
After that, many people underestimate the crowds. New Orleans is a small city of a few hundred thousand, but it explodes to over a million for a couple of days. This means large swaths of drunken people between you and where you want to go.
You’ll probably spend more time trying to find a bathroom and waiting for an Uber than hooking up. And forget the hotels, many are booked months in advance – and the Bourbon Street balconies booked upwards of 5 years in advance.
ARE YOU GONNA GET LAID?
There are plenty of percentages flying around the internet, but the general idea is a large chunk of guys expect to get laid in some way during this night of debauchery. Many women, on the other hand, don’t think they’re going to hook up with someone now. One side over-hopes and the other under-predicts.
Any surveys have been informal and the only serious studies are things related to HIV transmission during the event.
It’s not to say that there aren’t sexy opportunities, but you should probably keep your expectations low.
STRIPPERS VS HOOKERS
This one is interesting.
On any other day, working girls and guys experience their average highs and lows of weekdays vs. weekends etc. But around Mardi Gras, it’s a whole different story.
Apparently, most hookers stay home whereas strippers are working 15+ hour shifts that day. The thought is that people come for the party and the hope of free sex – not paying for an escort or hooker (which is usually higher business during offseason with businessmen or other travelers).
But even with the strippers, the bulk of traffic stays to the cheap clubs. People spending tons on vacation and drinks don’t have the green for expensive lap dances. Also, if you DO end up with a 4 am lap dance, don’t be butthurt if she/he doesn’t seem that into it. Chances are, she/he is exhausted.
THE MONEY GRAB
Let’s face it. Tourist flock to a destination and that destination is going to find ways to squeeze as much money out of you as possible – that’s tourism, that’s business.
But, Mardi Gras is a special beast.
The local police department (apparently famous for being racist and corrupt) along with a local religious group, use the day to crack down on adult clubs in the name of “freeing girls from trafficking”.
They cite old, ridiculous laws – from stage height measurements and rules that say performers aren’t allowed “to touch their breasts or buttocks” – and then slap the club with a HUGE fine. They ignore any woman that says they are there because they choose to be and pull them away trying to “save them”.
And, if the club can’t pay, they shut it down until they can (making the establishment lose out on thousands of dollars or more).
None of this on any other day, mind you. Just the day where there are the most money present and the police department can make the most.
After that, there are the sexy yet aggressive “drink girls” who try to shove shots down your throat to make you rack up a couple-hundred-dollar bill while flirting with you.
DANGERS, PROBLEMS & WAYS TO PREPARE
1. Getting caught on camera
There is a real chance your boob flash will end up on someone’s smartphone, which could end up on PornHub. If this is something that could affect you, best to keep the girls under wraps. You’ll still get plenty of beads.
2. Stranger sex
There’s nothing wrong with a random hook up. Just remember to carry plenty of protection choices (from condoms to dental dams). If you’re worried about drunken flings, ladies, take initiative and wear a female condom. Bring them ahead of time too, it will be harder (or impossible) to buy them during the event.
3. Drinking dangers
There’s the obvious – alcohol poisoning, rape drugs, being robbed etc. The easiest solution is twofold. One, stick to one or two drinks and just enjoy the party. Two, have a buddy system and take a friend with you. Also, if a “drink girl” tries to push a shot on you, you can politely say no. It’s okay.
4. You’re in the wrong place!
The carnival and parades spread across the whole city – and 99% of the events are geared towards families – yes, it’s first and foremost considered a family event. This means that 99% of the time, the debauched, drunk, nakedness you imagine will land you in jail. So, keep any flashing to the Quarter.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Any other tips about Mardi Gras sex? Share in the comments!